Look Familiar?

Flattery is the best form of imitation?

Leslie

Subway Gropers

So, there has been all these pervert gropers running amuck in the subway lately. While riding the train on Friday and I was looking around at everyone as a person who probably wanted to grab specific parts of my anatomy.  I felt suspicious, I hated everyone, and I was on high alert.

(These are the grossers)

Then I got off the train and hurried up the stairs…but I tripped!  I was falling and I couldn’t stop!  I was about to eat disgusting subway floor when a man reached out grabbed my arm and saved my life!  I was so grateful! I felt like it I was in one of those Hallmark movies where I discover the true meaning of life and I love and reach out to every stranger I meet…Scratch that.  I don’t know a stranger because I believe we are all brothers and sisters.

 Fast forward to my trip home, I am so excited to get on the train with all my new best friends living together in the city.  An older gentleman sits across from me and he starts up a conversation.  Old Leslie would have ignored him.  NEW Awesome Leslie was excited to get to know this wise old gentleman that probably had a lot to teach her.   

He was hard to understand, I figured this was because of his strong Italian accent, but then he said something a little racist, and then he said something SUPER racist!  And then I realized the smell I was smelling was alcohol and a lot of it.  UGH!!!!  And all the suspicion and hate came back, and my alert meter went right back up to the highest level.   

I don’t know what I was supposed to learn from this experience, maybe nothing; maybe it’s just the ebb and flow of the city.  Interacting with humanity continually is tough and often emotional; I guess that the best I can hope for is that it is a kind person next to me when I inevitably trip again.

If you see something, say something,

 Leslie

You Should Have Asked Me...

That's right ABC, you should have come to me first before you decided to spend all of that time, energy and money on Charlie's Angels.

ABC: Leslie, we are thinking of bringing back Charlies Angels? what do you think?

Leslie: Pppfffhhh!!! No!  I don't think it went that well the first time around, interchanging the cast continually...and I don't remember the movies doing that great either. (I actually liked the first one, but I wouldn't share that because I am trying to make a point.)

If you don't know, The Charlie's Angel reboot was canceled last month after airing only a few episodes.  But, on the subway today there were still a zillion adds for the show.  This picture is only proof of one but trust me.

Leslie: Take those down ABC...you are just embarrassing yourself.

I Get All My Talking Point

Usually from the Yahoo home page.  I read the stories featured here between avoiding homework and spying on Raf's email and I had to post this article because it is all about the position I am in these days.  Being childless can be awkward at times especially when all my favorite people have kids.   Yahoo pointed out some things we kid-less folk don't enjoy hearing or want our friends to understand about us.  I hope it can bring families of any size closer together in understanding.

10 Things Not To Say to Your Childfree Friends

1. "When will you finally have kids?"
Once you have offspring, you want your friends to share the experience. But please don't loudly ask this question across the table at Thanksgiving dinner or at a baby shower. Although many people are happy to be childfree or waiting, the situation may be more complicated. A friend could be facing infertility, in the agonizing position of having a spouse who doesn't want children, or otherwise in a complex struggle over the issue. Bring it up privately with close friends, or wait for them to share with you.

2. "We always wanted to have a family."
If you use the expression "have a family" to mean "have children," you inadvertently send a message that people without kids are... family-less. Family comes in many forms: significant others, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, neighbors -- happily, the list goes on!

3. "I only invited other parents."
Having children is the norm, and people who are childfree can sometimes feel isolated or excluded. So invite us to birthday parties! Sure, there are some people who just don't like kids and have no desire to spend an afternoon surrounded by them. They can decline the invitation, and the rest of us will cheer when the birthday boy takes his first bite of cupcake.

4. "Are you hung-over?"
If you had kids when you were on the younger side, you may have transitioned abruptly from staying out bar-hopping to night feedings and Yo Gabba Gabba -- and years later, you may assume that we're still acting like our crazy twentysomething selves. But just because we don't have kids doesn't mean we aren't growing up.

5. "You're so lucky you get to sleep in/shop/travel."
We understand that you give up a lot to be the amazing parent you are -- and we do appreciate our extra cash and free time, and god, yes, the sleep. But too many offhand comments like this make us feel like you assume the reason we don't have children is that we're lazy, selfish, or shallow. The decision is never that simple.

6. "This must be birth control for you."
Parents often make this joke when their kid is being loud or persistent, and we understand it's because you're worried the situation is bugging the hell out of everyone around you. Don't stress -- a good friend understands that your kid is going to have a meltdown once in a while. We can take it. And, of course, a crying toddler is not actually a tipping point in our decision to have kids. We're not that shortsighted.

7. "Your dog/cat/parakeet is your baby."
Pets are a huge part of many people's lives, whether or not those people have children. But it feels like a consolation prize when you put it like this. That said, ask about my cat; I'm happy to pull up my latest photo of her adorableness.

8. "I can't die; I'm a mom."
During a recent brief terrorism scare in New York City, a friend said to me, "I have to get out -- I can't die; I'm a mom." We know you have someone depending on you in an unprecedented way, but there are people who love and depend on us, too.

9. "I'm sorry it's taken forever for me to call/email/text you back."
Don't start every correspondence with an apology. Your life is insane and letting us know you want to make time for us is appreciated. But don't stress so much: My life is busy too, and more often than not, I didn't even notice a lag.

10. "You wouldn't understand."
We know there are many things about parenting you will turn to your mom friends to talk about. And, honestly, with anyone other than a close friend, that's probably best -- I lose interest fast when someone I don't know well talks too much about their kids. But when we're real friends, don't let our relationship fade because you're afraid of boring us with parenting stuff. Just like we used to listen to you talk about your ex, we want to hear about what's important in your life now. And we hope you'll do the same for us.

I love your babies! 

Leslie

melancholy

I'm not the only person that blog stalks and then feel terrible about myself right?  Is this an old conversation that has been discussed for so long that I don't hear about it anymore?  Or has everyone in the blogging world stepped up their life to the high expectations of perfection in love, family, and adventure? 

Its not just blogs or even facebook, its the whole Europian American time frame fixation of doing.  We must always be doing something, it's expected of each of us.  When we see someone we ask "What have you been up to?" or "How are you doing?"

In my mind, chunks of time go by in weekly intervals.  Every week I make sure I have some sort of doing prepared.  A tidbit of activity that I can offer up to the masses that want to compare and contrast my activities vs. his or hers.  

Did you know, In the Chinese culture time is looked at differently, while I look at a weekly calender a person in China is looking at the Year of The Rabbit.  Long term accomplishments are valued and there is no pressure to fill a day with a million things because a day is just a day and the larger goal of a well spent year is more important.

Probably moving to China,

Leslie
 

Near Death Experience

I went to sleep last night and felt as safe as you can while living in a NYC Apartment on the wrong side of the island.  I set all three locks on our door.  checked all the windows and i even looked under the bed.  I crawled into bed next to Rafael and fell asleep ready for sweet dreams.  Then like a shot of lightning a loud growl swept over me.  I sat up in alarm, an intruder was in the house.  I ran to the bathroom, leaving Raf to whatever fate would meet him there.  I shut the door behind me in the restroom and flicked on the lights.  I was not alone in the room, the intruder fallowed me in and there was no way to escape now.  For the next three hours I struggled to survive.  It was my will against the intruder and the intruder was winning.  


The truth is, I ate, and ate is not the word for it, gulped, inhaled, attacked a pizza!  After eating nothing but vegetables for two weeks my body went into war mode with the amount of cheese and bread I ate in a matter of minutes.  To avoid being too graphic lets just say I was multitasking the toilet and garbage can at the same time.  Eventually I fell asleep on the cold tiled floor until I woke up with my arm and the toes on my left foot still asleep a few hours later.

Why was I only eating vegetables?  Cause of a Documentary of course, check it out if you dare.

Trouble Duty

Woke up early to babysit this morning.  My friend's kid, and I don't mind doing it.  But let's just say I was less than thrilled when she told me he learned how to crawl.  Yesterday.  That means I have 2 crawlers to all to myself until 4:15.


And it's only 7:45.  And I've already run out of ways to entertain them.  And my house smells like poop.

Plus, this morning, I tried to put my bra on OVER my FEET.

We've got the makings of an awesome day here.

Heaven help me never to have twins, Crystal

Texting about Crystals Cat Eddie

Crystal: Eddie just stuck his whole entire head in my cup of milk.

Leslie:  Bhah ha ha ha I LOVE cats!

Crystal: I drank it anyway.

Leslie: Bhah ha ha ha I LOVE Crystals.

Look What I Found... And Then Thank Me

I can only hope that one day our blog will be this awesome...

Cat vs. Human

Cat-lovin', Crystal

37th and 5th

Cross Streets in NYC or the Twilight Zone?

I spend a good amount of time on 37th and 5th and at times it is a really nice place to be.  like last week, weather was beautiful and as I stood on the corner waiting for the light to change in my favor.  Two men on their two bikes come peddling up and were screaming at each other insults and cursing at each other...again, while peddling bikes, something little girls do.  They looked so dumb and I enjoyed all of it.

For the last two weekends when I walk down 5th to go back to the train people have been been REALLY emotional about me using my phone.  One man standing in a doorway in his pajamas sneered at me while I was checking my voice mail and called out "You and your cell phone."

 I was hurt but I got over it.  Then the next week I had just pulled out my phone to check it and a man while walking past me starts mumbling "texting (swear words) she's texting (MORE swear words)" and  I looked up as he passed and I said back to him, "I wasn't texting!!!"  (but I actually was...don't tell him.)

Lastly, the man who runs the food cart on 37th and 5th recently confessed his everlasting love for me.  His name in Mohammad and I think we could be happy together,  I do love hot dogs....and he told me he would be there for me if anything happened to Rafael.

I've seen wizards and a tin man, I've seen models and actors...I can't wait to go back.

Leslie

I am in Love

 I am DYING!!!

These My Little Ponies are the best things I've seen all day,  And I saw a lot today.  Including...
Two guys riding bikes down 5th avenue screaming at each other ready to duke it out while peddling down the road...THAT was pretty great.

Also, a really great episode of Murder She Wrote.  I'll tell you all about my brand new Angela Lansbury obsession later.  WHAT IF ONE OF THESE PONIES WAS ANGELA LANSBURY!!!!

 

My Little Nostalgic,

Leslie

I Just Want To Be Inspired

This will do for now....



But maybe you could hook me up with a good book or something?

Leslie

We've Been a Little Lax...

But we promise, we're getting back into the swing of things.  We'll start telling you our most humiliating life stories again soon.

I only lie sometimes (and this isn't one of them), Crystal

HOLY MARKETING BATMAN!!!!

I love marketing Cryzl,  I love when people market things towards me, it makes me feel super plus important because marketers want me, need me, and can't live without me.  Marketers want me to want them and that my dear is a perfect relationship.  One time back in my EAC days a friend told me.  "Your perfect world would be where all the boys want you and you could complain about it all day."

GHAH!  I couldn't deny it, marketing provides me with the utopia I crave.  Commercials come and go trying to seduce me with product and I complain about their length and shear amount during my favorite TV shows.

Right now I am trying to resist buying a giant box of those Magnum ice cream bars Rachael Bison has been hoking lately.  She is so pretty and cool and Magnum it's portrayed as some kind of elitist ice cream that has magic powers that can help me reach a new level of awesome.  Yum- O!

Can't complain enough,

Leslie

Things I Say in my Sleep

Hi Les, You may remember a conversation we had today.  In fact, I'm sure you remember it better than I do. This afternoon, I received the following text message from you:  "Bhah hahahaaaaa!  I am so sorry!"

Sorry about what?  This was clearly a response to something I had said earlier.  But, what?  I had to go back to my original message to you.  Imagine how silly I felt when I found these crazy messages I sent you.

"I just woke up from a dream where I was in NY at the laundromat and this guy wanted to hassle me for my quarters so he could go buy meth.  I got scared and started being nice to him and then everything turned around and he told me he was really a tranny named Janet and invited me to come see his band play.  He played the saw.

"The whole time I was thinking, if Leslie would just buy a house with a washer and dryer, this wouldn't be happening to me!"

I don't remember sending those texts.  Or even having that dream.  Which leads me to my confession of the day:  Sometimes I text in my sleep.

Avoiding the laundry at all costs, Crystal

Martha Schmarfa

Late last night, right when I was ready to go to bed Rafael decided he wanted to rearrange our entire living room.  I was livid!  All I could think about was all the work that would be required because Raf wanted the couch moved from one side of the room to another.  I threw a giant baby fit but it didn't sway him one bit and after all the drama I was suddenly inspired by the late night decorating fairies and started staging my now favorite spot in the living room.    

I don't know if this is how these shelves will stay but it is filled with all of my favorite items  and I wanted to tell you about a few of them, so pretend you are in my living room and are obligated to gush over everything I show you! 

See that little cat with the yellow sweater?  He is made out of cut silk, I found him at Union Square Park and happily paid $15 for him.  Next to kitty is this stained glass something....I don't know what it is.  Maybe you could tell me?  I found it at a church yard sale on 181.  It's all fun stained glass and was only $10.

These shelves are still a little bare , my fruit is from Urban Outfitter I don't remember the cost.  The HOLA! painting I did with oil pastels.  I plan on making a big one as soon as I get a canvas and paint and hanging it above the TV.  Maybe you want the little one?  The ukulele is one of my newer hobbies.  I can play a few songs including a couple of Demi Lavato ballads, I know how much you love D.L.  

See that genie bottle?  It was my grandmother's who acquired it from her mother.  This bottle by far has the most meaning to me.  When I was little I would pretend a real genie lived inside and wanted to grant me all my wishes. As long as I can remember a gum wrapper has been rolling around in the bottom of it, stuck for all eternity and it drove me crazy!  It's still there and my now super smart grown up brain is pretty sure I could be easily removed with a clothes hanger.  But now I love that gum wrapper and maybe years later my grandchildren will play with the bottle and the gum wrapper will drive them crazy and wont that be fun for me!  

Fishing for compliments,

Leslie

So, we're cancelling our cable TV.  I know what you're thinking.  "But Crystal, you live for TV.  You LOVE TV.  Remember when you were 12 and you were always writing in your journal about how much you loved 'The Simpsons'?"  True, very true, but I also love movies.  Cinema.  And I have an extensive collection and I think I can rely on that to help curb my television appetite.

There are some movies in my library that, well, I think they make me a better person by watching them.  Not "better" in the I'm-improving-my-mind-and-soul way, more like they make me feel like a superior breed of movie watcher.  They're little sparkling jewels that I hoard up in my judgmental mind.  I'm cooler than the average blockbuster bear because I know and love them.  The types of movies I'm talking about: Everything is Illuminated, The Royal Tenenbaums, Lars and the Real Girl, I Heart Huckabees.

But when I really got down to it...  There's also a lot to be ashamed of in my movie collection.  Like all these titles I used to love as a kid, but know better than to watch them now.  Yet still feel compelled to own, just in case I'm overcome with the need to see a flick from 1990.  Joe vs. the Volcano.  My Blue Heaven.

The Wedding Planner.  I think I'm addicted to this movie.  I'm not proud.  What happened was, I had a roommate who watched this movie every single Sunday morning for years.  So it's programmed into my Sunday psyche.  But.  No good.  (Judy Greer is freaking adorable, though.  I love her always.)

Lonesome Dove.  I love the book.  I love the movie.  I can't help but feel romantic about the wild west.  And Ricky Schroder is one cute cowboy.  Did I ever tell you I know him?  Nope.  'Cuz I don't.  But my friend's sister's friend knows his wife, so you can see we're closely connected.

I have lots of other secrets buried in my movie drawer.  Maybe next time you're in town, I'll let you take a peek.  You might just see something you love to hate.  Like David Bowie in tights.

Dance magic dance, Crystal

Tuesdays With Mommie

          On the last day of my mom’s trip out to NYC we strolled out to a local diner to catch breakfast before she caught her plane.  Everything in the diner is sun bleached and worn.  These surrounding only make her look radiant, her green blue eyes, black hair, and red lips have always reminded me of a Snow White archetype.   Our breakfast arrives, French toast for me and a feta and spinach omelet for her.  We dig in and I think about all the things I learned about my mother in the last week. 

(This is how my mom stood in all her pictures, like a well mannered French school girl.) 

* When my mother was younger, High School age, my grandmother bought her a dress, this was exciting because most of my mother’s clothes were made for her at home.  This dress was little, grey, and tight!  She wore it to a church dance and the cutest guy danced with her multiple times while the “popular girl” found out what a wallflower felt like for the first time.   MAGICAL!

* She bought candy bars for a nickel.  The cheapest candy I can buy is in the subway for an even dollar bill.

* My mom palled around with a wily girl who convinced her to try a cigarette…she took a direct quote from our former President Clinton when she told me “I didn't inhale and never tried it again."

* Her favorite meal growing up was noodles with leftover chicken, a cream sauce and a side of bread.

* Every two weeks her family would go into the city, watch a movie and the kids could pick out a prize from the five and dime.  She usually picked costume jewelry. 

* Once when my mother was taking a bath my father knocked a huge vinegaroon into the tub.  She chased him around the house naked and screaming.  My father ran outside thinking there was no way she would follow…he was wrong.  She chased him down the dirt road in the buff throwing rocks at him along the way.  She said it was the best thing she had ever done.

          After breakfast we gathered up her things around the apartment and took one last picture.  The shuttle bus came and I hugged her twice and cried the rest of the day while watching an awesome show she recommended.  Check it out HERE.

Moms the word,

Leslie

Fun Facts about Flour

Leslie,

So the other night I was cleaning up after dinner.  Baker and Cousin were sitting at the dinner table, front row witnesses to me dropping the flour canister.  Which I had just refilled the night before.  And over-tightened the lid, so it wasn't actually sealed.  In short, I had half a bag of flour all over my kitchen floor.  And my counter tops.  And in the grooves of the cabinets.  And in my hair and on my feet.

You know those times when you're so surprised at your surroundings, that you get the giggles?  Yeah, that happened.  I just stood there, laughing, as flour snowed down around me.  And I kept laughing.  The dust settled, and I was still laughing.  It was getting weird.  Baker recognized the signs that I was in shock, so he prompted me.  "Maybe you should clean that up, Crystal."  I told him I didn't know how to clean it up, and Baker suggested the vacuum.  Which made me laugh.

But, you know, I was at a loss so I just followed Baker's instructions and began vacuuming up the flour.  Then, barely audible over the whooshing vacuum, I heard this conversation.

Cousin:  Hey, so, isn't flour extra flammable?
Baker:  Yep.  ...  Crystal.  CRYSTAL!  Turn off the vacuum before you catch fire!

Gahhhh, what?!  Baker explained that one tiny spark of electricity and the whole vacuum could explode.  I was inadvertently conducting a high school-boy-type experiment in my kitchen.  I sent Baker and Cousin into the other room so I could clean the kitchen the old-fashioned way (broom, mop) and they spent the rest of the night youtube-ing flour explosions.  Hilarious.

Still cleaning the kitchen, Crystal

Laundry Days Are Here Again

Hi Cryz,

I did SO much laundry yesterday, I hate doing laundry and subsequently wait till I am down to my last clean anything to force me into the buildings basement for laundry time.  This makes laundry even worse because I have so much of it.  

The only thing I look forward to is the social license I am given to wear crazy ensembles and be as comfortable as I can handle...and I can handle a lot. 

  

This is the little number I wore yesterday, I was going to write about how weird I looked in it and how I would never normally wear this...but the more I look at this outfit the more I LOVE IT!!!  It's awesome!  but maybe I am still drunk off laundry detergent and fabric softener.  What do you think?

Feeling spring time fresh,

Leslie

{ . }

Leslie, You had to ask for it...

Devoted reader and commenter Gail (check her out here) found us a phenomenal SUPER PLUS picture.  I can't decide whether to be grossed out, or flattered.  Maybe a little bitta both.  Abbie, maybe you should keep this in mind next time you head to Coney Island.

Hope you're all having a super-absorbent night!  Love, Crystal

What Time Is It?

It's Shout out TIME!!!!  This goes out to my friend Deb!  Check out her blog HERE!

Look at this awesome Super Plus picture she found for us! We Love you Deb!

But it's not over yet, Sarah is also Amazing!  Check out her blog HERE and come back and look at this Super Plus washing machine setting!!!!

WOW...Right?!  These two ladies have three things in common. 1.) Super Plus cute kids.  2.) Sass.  And  3.) Crystal and Leslie LOVE them for sending in these pics!

If any of our readers run across any more super plus-ing out in the real world, let us know! We will give you a big thank you and Crystal will bake you banana bread. (if she is in the mood.) email them to talesofsuperplus@gmail.com 

Thanks again to Debster and Big Sister Sarah!

Dear Readers:

I don't find it necessary to elaborate, but...

This one time?  I helped Leslie put deodorant in her arm pits.

If that's not true friendship, I don't know what is.

Love, Crystal

The Captive

Lesl,

Have I told you that my cousin moved to Phoenix?  Well, my cousin moved to Phoenix.  And I LOVE it.  He'd come here job-searching several times in the past year, and we always had a blast.  I felt like I was 9 years old and if we were good, our moms might let us eat dinner in front of the TV and then sleep outside on the trampoline.

And the fun has not worn off since he permanently settled here.  At least, it hasn't worn off for me.  Cousin and I hang out on his days off from work, and he comes over for dinner every Sunday.  And I know he's going to keep coming because eating at my house is better than eating at home.  Alone.  Bachelor-style.  And yet, every Sunday night I get the feeling he's ready to leave before I'm ready for him to go.  He sits up straight, stretches, and says something about "getting up early" the next morning.

As if.

Then just when he's about to head to the door, I start small-talking him.  I beg for family gossip.  I fill him in on the expected weather patterns for this time of year.  I ask for his best work stories (from the past two days, since last time I saw him.)  I make him promise to come back again.

Last week was bad.  Baker got in on the action, and as he was trying to leave, I made Baker show Cousin pictures of our cats.  Then videos of our cats.  Then we started telling Cousin how our friend Leslie made us go on an almost-blind date and that's how we fell in love, blah blah blah.  Cousin was dying to go, I could tell.  But he is polite and wants un-bachelor dinner next week too, and so he stayed and listened.

I feel bad about all this and I want to stop killing Cousin with chit-chat.  I'm trying to tell myself that it's because I like him, he's family, and I'm excited we finally live in the same place.  But really?  I think I just love a captive audience.

Currently holding hostages in my living room, Crystal

Hi, my name is Abbie and I might be a...

Leslie. Crystal.

I have bad news. Bad, bad, terrible, the worst news. Bad.

I just found out something about myself. I found out...that...I...might...be...a...PESSIMIST!!

HOW CAN THIS BE?!?! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HAPPY!! WHY ME?!?! I'M SUCH A HAPPY PERSON!!!

I know. I know. I KNOW.

(I've also been called dramatic, but I do NOT believe that. I am NOT dramatic.)

Can I tell you how I found out? Well, I was chatting with a friend (I won't tell you who. Hint: her name rhymes with BLeslie.) and she was talking about pessimism and I thought to myself, self, aren't you glad you are such an optimist?

But evidence reared it's ugly head in a situation the next day.

Coney Island. Coney Island is so fun! It's so great! I loved every second of our visit (minus the glass in the sand). But would you know that the night before we went I was planning all sorts of terrible things that were going to happen to us? Like...

• we were going to take the wrong train.
• we were going to take too much stuff.
• we weren't going to bring enough stuff.
• we weren't going to get a seat on the train because it was going to be so crowded and have to stand for an hour and a half.
• our kids were going to get crushed by the hot dog eating contest crowd.
• someone was going to force me to eat a hot dog.
  
• we weren't going to get a swinging seat on the Wonderwheel.
• it was going to be too hot.
• the kids were going to be too whiny.
• we were going to contract an STD from the beach.
• my husband was going to get eaten by a shark and leave me to raise our children alone.
• my pictures were going to be horrible.
• and I was probably going to start my period and not have a tampon.
  

You get the picture. It was obviously going to be the worst day of our entire lives.
But.
It turned out to be a SUPER PLUS fun day.

But tomorrow, tomorrow is going to be the worst! I have a million errands to run and my car is definitely going to get stolen or break down. And the kids are going to throw a fit because I won't buy them candy. And I'll forget to buy everything I need. And I'll probably start my period and not have a tampon.

Ugh.

Skeletons In My Play List

Last week I was on the train and I saw a guy I kind sorta knew.  This was our conversation.
    
     Leslie: Hi!

     Cool Guy: Oh, Hi!

     Leslie and Guy: share in semi-uncomfortable strained chit chat, both calculating the number of stops still on the commute home. 

    Cool Guy: You don't have to stop listening to your music, cause I'm here.

     Leslie: Oh thanks, I'll just get back to Taylor Swift!

Cryz! I have cooler music thanSwifty. I only have ONE of her songs.  Just one!  I hardly even listen to it.  I could have said all sorts of other bands and singers I even have ready impress people.

For example, Bloc Party to impress general rockers, Tom Petty to impress people like my dad., Tegan and Sara to impress my indie fans and my sister, The Format to impress you.  etc. etc.... I have it all laid out.  I have it ready.  But the moment I really needed it I blurt "Taylor Swift."

Other bands/singers I keep hidden, Miley Cyrus, Secondhand Serenade, and my favorite secret singer DEMI LOVATO!!!!  You are going to hate the fact that I attached her new video, but, just remember how I am REALLY vulnerable right now sharing all my music secrets with you.  I just need love!  And for you to lie and say you like this song.  Oh and that I'm not the only one with skeletons in my play list.

Toe Head

Hi Crystal,

I recently realized that I worry a lot about the end of the world.  One of my most recent worries has surfaced since I  colored my hair blonde.  It's just SO blonde and if the world ended today my hair would start growing out and I would look super plus crazy! 

At the time of Armageddon I'm not going to be that worried about my hair, I do have priorities. I'll want to know my cats are safe and I'll probably save an old lady from a car hurdling towards her face.  I'm super sure I will be on the lookout for an underground bunker. BUT...I have to think about the months that follow.  The few people who survive have to come together to revive humanity and those people are going to look for any excuse to undermine me.  That's because those first few months are pivitol!  New leadership is going to be formed, alliances made, and jobs assigned.  Who is going to want the girl with the lame hair?  Who will want me as their underground queen? 

How dare those jerks judge me!  I'm going to go get a box of hair supply for my year supply.

See you around!

Leslie

Things On The Subway

Hi Cryz

An elderly woman pushing around a cart full of garbage.  If anyone else on the train stood next to her she would start screaming gibberish until the unfortunate close stander turned into a far away stander.

Woman sitting next to me complaining about the yelling crazy lady but was just as bad because she was super loud and wouldn't stop talking.

A man with the most beautiful hear I had ever seen.

A man with a rat tail!  I haven't seen one of those in so long!  It is still gross in case you are wondering.

Bunch of cute kids all wearing the same blue t-shirts, I think they were part of the YMCA or something.  It actually freaked me out.  Too many of anything is freaky...like, one lady bug is nice.  100 ladybugs is a nightmare!

Garbage

A woman who looked SO tired hauling her two tiny children in a giant stroller.  I always want to help these mom's but I usually just feel bad about it.  Would they really want a stranger to help with their kids?  You tell me. 


Your Underground Super Plus,

Leslie

A/C B.S.

Leslie -

Something happened tonight and I may or may not have overreacted.  Baker hired this air conditioning expert.  You know our house is old-old-old, so Bakes thought it would be wise to get that ever-important appliance checked out.  The good news is, everything's working fine with our a/c.  The bad news is, I loathed the expert-dude.  Now maybe I was in a bad mood, or maybe he was using cheap salesman tricks, but everything he said and did struck me wrong.

What I heard:  If you give your daughter water from a plastic bottle, she's going to grow gills and a third nipple.

What Dude probably, actually said:  In addition to air systems, we sell and install reverse osmosis systems, if you are interested in bottle-free water products.

I heard:  America's lame, let's all move to Canada.

Dude probably said:  Don't take my word for it, but feel free to research non-government studies.

I heard:  Your house is a big pile of junk.  The three little pigs could build better houses than this.

Dude probably said:  Houses built in the '50s often lack modern-standard insulation.

As Dude left our house, he nodded to me and said, "I'll be back to rob your house in a few weeks."  (Or maybe, "Nice to meet you, ma'am."  Whichever.)  I gave him a dirty look and a "Hmpfh."  This Dude - what a jerk, right?

Always sunny, Crystal

When I Grow Up

Hey CyrZZle,


When I was a little girl I had a dream of what I wanted to grown up and be.  Not a teacher, not a vet, and not a fireman.  I wanted to be a Country Music Video Girl or CMVG!


The music video girls were all SO pretty and the guys singing about them were SO in love and I've always been a fan of the melodrama.  As I studied from home in front of the mirror the different looks required by a CMVG, you know, pout, angry, slow laughing while spinning and throwing my hair back(that one’s tough). 

 Somewhere along the way I became a little more of a feminist and I realized, why be a CMVG when I could be a country singer?!  I had a cassette tape of Pam Tillis and I would put on my dad’s big leather jacket, role the sleeves up to my elbows (per the style) and stand out by the road singing my lungs out hoping a music producer would drive by, hear my voice, and “discover me.”  

A producer never did screech to a halt while driving past my home which, as you know, was in the middle of nowhere down a dirt road.  But I haven’t given up.  Now that I’m in NYC I think I should start again.  This city is teaming with music producers looking for their next big hit, Right?  And I've just bought a big leather jacket.

Above is my FAVORITE Pam Tillis song and video, enjoy.

Not Quite a Dirty Word

Hey Les,

Did you hear about this?  Phoenix was hit with an insane dust storm last night!  This type of storm only occurs in the Sahara Desert, some parts of the Middle East, and  --  Arizona.  I didn't know the storm was going on, and had to walk to my car in the middle of it.  I had dust in my eyes, nose, and teeth (among other places.)  This morning I found grit in poor Sally's bed.  I could have planted a garden in the dirt on our kitchen counters today.  It was crazy; I'd never seen anything like it before.

But, honestly?  The main reason I'm bringing this up...  This type of storm is called a "haboob."  Funny, right?  Haboob.

Love from your wind-swept friend, Crystal

No I in Leadership

Hi Crystal,

If life is a classroom I have always pictured myself sitting in the middle, not the back, and certainly not the very front.  It's really nice in the middle because you can listen and pay attention when you want but you can also goof off with the trouble makers in the back row.  

Last week I lead a group of friends into the Bronx for sushi. I almost had a panic attack when the city bus didn't show up for a super long time and we were traveling through a pretty rough part of town for raw fish.  WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!  

But, in the end it turned out great and I found out I am in love with Tempura.  mmm, tempura.  I think the moral of this story is, if sushi was the end result of leadership, I would probably do it a lot more often.  

Messy Me

Hey Leslie,

Earlier today, I was planning on writing you and telling you about the extra-clumsy thing I did today.  Have you ever had a cardboard paper cut?  It's pretty much the dumbest accident you can have, and I did it in a big way, trying to open a toothpaste box.  But I don't want to write about that any more, as this evening I have had several more (worse) accidents.  Including spilling maple syrup and scrambled eggs all over the kitchen floor, and dropping and then stepping on a pancake.

But all this, it's just indicative of who I am.  I'm the girl who falls in a hole while cars are waiting for her at the crosswalk.  I'm the girl who breaks her elbow while roller skating, and dislocates her knee while ice skating.  I'm the girl whose skirt falls off at work.

And then, I guess there are lots of worse things I could be, than clumsy.  Like a dog hater, or a grumpy old man who yells at little kids for scaring the park pigeons, or one of those people who doesn't like to have their picture taken.  I guess I'd rather lose my skirt and step on a few pancakes, than be the girl who mispronounces "forward."

Come on Ashley, it's FORward, not FO-ward

I Met This Guy

Chris North,  I was just walking down 5th and there he was.  On a normal day I would have just kept walking and just told everyone I saw him.  But, I was at work, and since he was Sex and The City royalty I felt compelled to see if I could get a picture with him for our website.  Ugh, It did not go well.  He REALLY didn't want to talk to me let alone take a picture.  I felt so dejected, by some guy that I don't even care about.

But the honest truth is I do care!  I care what famous people think of me.  I want to be one of them.  I want to go to their parties, shop at their stores, vacation where they vacation, and eat what they eat.  All of those things attract my eye.  They're bright, glittery and full of fun!  I'm like a crow that way and it's a very shallow part of me.

I wish I knew people who were famous for recycling, saving sea lions or helping orphans.  Really good people who work really hard and deserve to be followed down the street and asked for their picture....I bet they would take a picture with me. 

Baker (from the other room):  Oh, are you reading your blog?

Crystal:  Yeah, how'd you know?

Baker:  'Cuz your huge-smiling.

Leslie and bunny-eared Iris

Leslie, I love you.  I love your cats.  I love it when you text me about your cats.  Thanks so much for following suit and adopting Whicket after I adopted Eddie.  Thanks for getting Kelly, so Baker and I would have to get Iris to keep up with you guys.

Should we each get one more miniature lion/tiger?

Love, Crystal

Crystal and Eddie

P.S.  And seriously.  Thanks for being the best blogger ever this week, when I've been preoccupied.  You're super plus.

Speaking of the Zoo

Crys, I had 2 random thoughts,

#1 As I sauntered around looking at the lions and tigers I thought, "what if one day my cats, get really big, and they obtain cognitive thought and they forget all the nice things I had done for them and only remember me not feeding them when they wanted me to or petting them when they wanted petting, or kicked them out of bed every night, or worst of all, stepping on their tails!!!"

  I'm really afraid of Kitty Apocalypse.

 And just in case I gave them treats and cuddled them a whole lot that night.

WHICKET

#2 As the zoo visit was coming to the end, I was tapped out on animal gazing and started people watching.  We had somehow looped back to the lions and tigers and the people were GUSHING about how great they were and beautiful and magnificent etc. etc.  I found myself thinking, "you know, my cats are just the same, only smaller, and in the animal world smaller always means more lovable." Then I started to get mad.

People are SO mean about my cats sometimes!  Aren't  they just a cute/tiny version of a giant lion or tiger?!  My cats cuddle you and ask for licks of your ice cream and I know if a lion wanted to share a treat and snuggle, people would be standing in line for their turn!  So, then I thought, when people ask me about my cats I will say.  "Actually, I own two miniature tigers." 

Doesn't that sound cool?  Don't you want to share your ice cream with them?

Kelly Clarkson

Leslie    

Zoo York

Hi Cryz,

I think the title of this blog post might be a brand of clothing?

I went to the zoo yesterday, and it was great!  I have only been to one other zoo and that was in Arizona.  Have you been to your local zoo cryz?  It's horrible, well, it's horrible in he summer which is when I went and I'm the idiot for thinking that was a good idea.  What I remember from my AZ. Zoo experience, besides the heat stroke, was that most of the animals on exhibit are the native ones you probably saw on your way to the zoo. Snakes, rabbits, a couple of javelina and a tortoise.  The other more exotic animals were SO terribly hot they hid in their caves and under rocks and if I did see them they lookes simply misreable and I couldn't enjoy myself then. 

The Bronx Zoo was full of all sorts of fun furry creatures that I had never seen before, and there were all out playing in their pretend forests or jungles having a merry time of it.  But, guess what I was most excited to see.  Guess what caught my attention and made me pull out my camera.   Gila Monsters, Rattle Snakes, and little desert mice! Crystal, I saw a snow leopard but I didn't even care!  There where Zebras but I just wanted to look at the deer.  Ugh, I couldn't believe it!

Some of the habitats had different cactus and I went around with an air of conceit saying, "Oh look, its a Pickly Pear, and that is an Organ Pipe Cactus...obviously."  Just loud enough so east coasters would know how intelligent I was.

Sometimes, (don't tell anyone) I miss Arizona, I miss the sunsets, I miss all the shades of brown, I miss the stars and most of all the grocery stores.  Rafael says he misses the swimming pools.  I have always said I would never go back to Arizona and because of pride I'll probably stand by that.  But, I'll  always love it.  I'll always be most sad that I'm not there watching old Arrested Development episodes with you while I paint and you cross stitch. 

Makeup Vs. The Morning

Hi Cryztel,

When I go to work I don't try, I work in a little office and I only see a handful of people and it's so casual there, the best I can do for them is, maybe, a little bit of left over mascara from the night before.  sometimes I straiten my bangs but the recent humidity means my hair is in a bun plopped on top of my noggin.

For the first six months I was okay with this, most of the people I work with are not really trying to impress anyone either.  But then, Sandra was hired.  Sandra is like the Heidi Klum of co-workers.  She has beautiful blond locks, (the before mentioned humidity has no effect on her perfectly placed curls) great clothes, perfect figure, amazing makeup, and a personality that makes me seem dull.

When she walks through the door in the morning I do a quick assessment sweep and she has everything checked off on her beauty list.  I look at my reflection in the monitor and notice something in my teeth.  I run   to the bathroom and think about how tomorrow is a new day. I resolve to apply mascara, I will pick an outfit that flatters, and I WILL do something with my hair.  But, 6:30AM falls on me like a swift sword and all of my big beauty plans are sliced away as I rush out the door in the morning.  I really like Sandra, of course, I also like the sun, but that doesn't mean I would feel comfortable standing right next to either one.

Real Live New Yorker

Dear Lesl,

One time I texted you and told you that if you don't write back immediately, I just assume you're in the subway and that you'll write back shortly.  You laughed, but the truth is, I think about your life a lot.  I know what it was like when you lived in Arizona, and I know what it was like when I was there last spring and you were in vacation-mode.  But here's how I picture your day-to-day in New York.

When you wake up, Rafael has already left for work.  But you're not lonely; your cats are tumbled in bed with you.  You, Kelly, and Whicket head to the kitchen, where you make a heart-healthy breakfast involving spinach puree, maybe like a smoothie.  When it's time to get dressed, you reach into your giant wardrobe and pull out a bright ensemble, with a scarf to sass things up.

You head to work on the subway, confident, like a true metropolite*.  You dish out directions and insider information to tourists, in between songs by the mariachi band on the train.  You get to work and guess what?  You have the best job ever!  You've always wanted to work in the entertainment industry, and you're pretty much there, at your NYC tour company.  You man the tour bus and introduce little old ladies to their favorite, former TV stars.  You're so clever that people burst into applause every time you speak.  A handsome British stranger offers to buy you lunch (and maybe more), but you decline so graciously that he thinks he's Hugh Grant.

After a rewarding day of work, you head home to Raf.  You've picked up an organic pizza on the way home from work, and you two cozily cuddle up to watch the scene from your balcony, since there's always something going on at Central Park.  Tonight, maybe, a jazz band is playing.  And although you're a small-town girl at heart, you're sure loving these picturesque days.

Am I at all close?  -Crystal

*  I may have made this word up.

Return To Sender

Crystal!

I have never had, what you would call a good experience at the post office.  Especially now that I live in Washington Heights, the opposite of Mayberry.  The bullet proof glass I have to talk through to order stamps from a mailman is a foot deep and just getting in has it's struggles.  I took this picture as proof.

However, I just had the best time!  I went in, there was no line and the guy helping me was so nice!  AND one of the other workers leaned over and said "Hey, do you watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch? You look and sound just like her!  Has anyone told you that?"

Me: "No, but thank you."

Post Woman: "You do!" turning to a woman at her window, "Doesn't she?  look like Sabrina!"

By the end of it the entire post office was chiming in on who I looked like and sounded like.  I beg for this kind of attention all the time and the mailroom was just delivering it to me.  (get it, deliver.)

Anyway, here I am!

Hmmm...,I don't know, we do both have giant eyes.

Did I ever tell you who my Grandmother Lucille told me I looked like? Yeah, not Bill Clinton.... even at 13 I knew that Grandmothers shouldn't compare you to a woman famous for her sex life.